OK, so you like your kids. They’re not so bad once you get used to them. Maybe once in a while when you’ve misplaced the back-scratcher, you’re able to con the seven-year-old into doing the job for you. Your five-year-old sometimes remembers to feed the dog, and watching re-runs of iCarly lets you relive the outrageously libertine childhood you never had.
But let’s face it. The moments are few and far between, it’s only Tuesday, you don’t feel appreciated, and your progeny are driving you batty. What’s a cultured couple to do? Get the heck outta Dodge.
Take a moment to reflect on that suggestion. You work hard to repay that $250k student loan debt that everyone said you’d be a fool not to take out. You haven’t even smelled a marijuana joint since that escapade behind the Tri-Delt sorority house in 1989. You keep buying Bud Light to pinch pennies just in case one of the little angels needs major orthodonture work before they hit junior high. For the sake of all that’s supposed to be good in the world, it’s time to treat yourself to a bender. I’m not talking a simple flirt with the dark side, but a complete immersion into the decadence of what being an adult should be all about.
Now, just like dropping acid, you don’t want to do this alone. Get on the horn and partner up with some poor souls who are in the same boat as you. The best results come from spontaneously jumping on the back of the moped and ending up who-knows-where, but if you have trouble thinking outside the box, here’s my list of the most epic-producing adventures that could happen if only you let your freak-flag fly.
#1- The Road Trip
Remember when you were 18 and drove your 14-year-old girlfriend across state lines to West Virginia for a little alone time? Well saddle up, partner- it’s time to unplug the GPS and head south. Or North. Or whatever direction your inner-Rasputin instructs. Leaving your comfort zone behind alleviates the annoying requests- ‘You’ve been here before. Is the poached armadillo any good?’
#2- Are You Really Going To Eat That?
The world is a tasty morsel just waiting to be plopped on your plate, and it’s rumored there are places that serves delicacies only read about in National Geographic. Steamed lobster. Asparagus with hollandaise. Corn fritters- any given town harbors at least one secret eating establishment destined to put your gastric fortitude to the test. Cruise the off-downtown streets for signs not written in English where empty tables can be seen through the windows. This, my friend, is where you want to eat, and you’ll be boring the crud out of people for years to come with your stories of nan bread and tabouli that tastes like goat feed.
#3- Don’t Be A Schmuck
Seriously. I strongly suggest you don’t act like a camel’s foreskin. This is a great mixed-doubles activity if done right, and alienating the others in your party isn’t recommended.
#4- Tag, You’re Defacing Private Property
For this one, everyone should dress to match in gray hoodies and black skinny jeans. Who cares if you bought them at Old Navy? Then, hit your local paint store (always buy local as the big box stores are the devil incarnate), or raid your father’s garage for a variety of colorful spray paints. Once properly outfitted, find a blank wall where your angst-ridden, collaborative conscious to the world can be expressed. Enjoy a quiet game of ‘Narc on the neighbors,’ with a slogan like, “Bob Johnson cheats on his taxes,” or, ‘My **** is bigger than yours.’ The winner is decided by who the cops nab last
#5- Build a Treefort
I know, it sounds pretty tame, but you need to look at the big picture. Where should it go? Is there room enough to play hide the salami? Can you leverage the deed to shore up the mortgage on you house? Are the windows well spaced to allow bottle rockets to be aimed properly?
Skip the knights and damsels in distress, and head straight over to the realm of avant garde art vending. Start by photocopying your faces, elaborate with some markers for accent, an voila! Each person can pick a corner downtown to set up shop. At the end of an hour, whoever made the most money without being arrested wins!
#7- Don’t Drink and Drive
This little piece of logic goes along with #3, as you don’t want to be a schmuck. However, calling a cab at the end of a debacle isn’t what true winners do- instead, find an unlocked car with a large back seat or two (preferably not belonging to someone you know) where everyone can spoon-up to sleep it off. The idea of aiming for a strangers car is precisely that- your aim is off, and you will throw up on the interior at 4 in the morning before figuring out how to open the door. You wouldn’t want to have to explain that to a friend, would you?
Take some time to plan a fun night out with friends sometime soon- you deserve it.