I sometimes dialog with women who have begrudgingly begun to accept that the commitment that they want so badly isn’t coming as soon as they had hoped – if at all. Sometimes, the man in question drags his feet about discussing the commitment, or will change the subject, or will agree to discuss it at a time in the future. But whatever strategy he is using, he’s made it clear that he won’t be proposing or committing any time soon.
Needless to say, this often doesn’t sit well with the woman who wants this commitment more than anything. Often, she believes that she has waited somewhat patiently. And she believes that the relationship is the right one at the right time. So, understandably, she can feel resentful that he won’t commit. And she can begin to wonder what is in this whole thing for her? After all, she is giving of herself. He’s getting what he wants. Which is presumably a happy relationship that includes a healthy sex life. But she isn’t getting the simple commitment that she wants. This often leads her to wonder if she should give him less of what he wants (sex) until she gets more of what she wants (the commitment.)
So you might hear from someone who says: “I have been dating my boyfriend for over two years. We are not that young. He knows that I want to be married. We have talked about this for months. At first, he told me that it would happen eventually. But lately, he has backed off of this stance. Now, he’s just saying that he will let me know when he’s ready to commit or when he’s ready to discuss this topic again. But until then, he says that I should back off. I love him so much, but this makes me angry at him. I feel like he’s being stubborn. Because I know that he loves me. And I know that he is going to be with me. And I know that he is faithful to me. So, I feel like he’s determined not to give me what I want. And that makes me determined not to give him what he wants. I’m honestly considering not having sex with him just to show him what it would be like without me. My mom always said a man won’t buy the cow if he gets the milk for free. Maybe she was onto something all along.”
This is a very common question and you will hear tons of different opinions on it. What I’m about to share is just that – only my opinion which is based on what I often see work and not work. I understand the reasoning behind this. I truly do. But, most men see this as form of manipulation and most do not take very kindly to that. There’s a risk here that he will do something to retaliate back and, before you know it, not only do you not have the commitment, but you don’t have the relationship either.
Now, in some situations like this, the woman will look around and will realize that having sex when she is not married is compromising who she knows she is. So she decides that she’s not going to have sex – with him or with anyone – until she is married. This is a very different situation than withholding sex simply to try to get him to do what you have been wanting him to do.
I can not tell you if this plan will work or even if you should do it. I can only point out that there are risk involved with it – just as there are always risks when you try to manipulate someone who you love. And, even if you gives in, he will likely always know that you forced him into it and he didn’t willingly go into the marriage. I’m not sure that this is a risk that is worth it.